tonight was the first time i thought about you in a long time. like really thought about you. funny to think we were so convinced we were going to get married. summer before senior year was supposed to be ours. life does some pretty unexpected things to us. i don’t know whether to be happy or sad. i wish i could just sit and have a conversation with you though. the best part about sitting and thinking about you is that nothing but positive memories come to mind. and sure, we went through our fair share of issues. i don’t think i’ve ever fought with someone as much as you, but i believe that’s because we’re similar in a lot of ways. i also don’t think i’ve had a longer, more genuine friendship with anyone other than you. there have been a few times when i’ve looked back at that one text i have saved from you. it brings me back to that time when you ran up my driveway after me, pulled me in and kissed me. it seems unreal. it seems like it was straight out of a movie. but really, what i remember you as was my best friend. the one who was always there, who told me when i was being immature or stupid or needed to just suck it up, and no matter how mad i was at you, i knew you were right. you were honest, bold, funny, reliable, and the person who knew me when i didn’t know myself. i’m sorry i bombarded you with my impulsive emotions. you were right, i needed to learn to let go. i needed to let go of the 14 year old ryan who i fell for so quicky. i needed to understand that the 15 year old ryan who was wrapped up in feelings thinking we could work didn’t exsist anymore. i needed to forget 16 year old cute flippy hair ryan who believed we were going to get married. 17, almost 18 year old ryan has grown up. i unfortunately don’t know that boy, though i’m sure you’re still the down to earth, honest, charming, sarcastic person you always were. you were everything i valued in a friend. you always knew what to say. so, you may not still be the innocent flippy haired boy i fell for once upon a time, but i’m still glad i’ve had you in my life and value every memory.i can’t help but still have hope that one day we’ll talk again, and that i’ll get my best friend back. i can let the boy i used to know go, but i’m not going to let the memories go. i can’t, it’s part of who i am. but i can take them and learn from them. because after all, you are one in a million.
i miss you.
This is from October 9th, 2010. And I’m glad to say that things have changed for the better. As I read this, I was taken back to the sweet memories of him and what we once had. I always spoke about how our timelines never quite matched up and no matter how in love I was, it would never work out. I’m here to share that I have my friend back. He doesn’t have long flippy hair anymore, and I’m not sure if he still thinks we’re going to get married, but he’s still the charming, sarcastic, genuine boy I grew to love.
Senior year of high school through my freshman year of college, we talked on a friendly basis. At the beginning of college when I was having a tough transition, he invited my roommate and I to visit him at school on a whim, and we went. It was fun, but nothing special. After that, I didn’t see him or talk to him much for an entire year. Not because things went badly, I guess that’s just how it worked out. This November, now sophomores in college (though I am taking the semester off) our friend Brian’s best friend at college died. We had been talking more frequently before this happened, and when it did, we knew a road trip up to Brian was in order.
Our six hour drive to Rochester, NY was the first time we’d seen each other in over a year. We had a lot to catch up on, and we did just that, sharing stories of college and summer time, and getting to know the people we’d grown into during our time apart. While we’re there, I find out that I got accepted to UMass Amherst as a transfer student for the spring semester starting in January, meaning he and I will be going to college together. That night, I guess what happened between he and I must be said bluntly. We got drunk, we got high, we flirted and we had sex. And to top it all off, it was November 11th, 11/11. The night is still a little blurry, but what I do know is that it was nice to lay next to him again. Since that weekend, we’ve talked almost every single day.
I don’t know what else to say except that it seems our bad luck with timing has taken a turn for the better. If nothing else, I’m glad to have my friend back. 20 year old Ryan makes me smile, and smiling makes the world a much happier place.
